Important Lessons from Supporting Our Children’s Mental Health

Over the past few years, my family has learned many valuable lessons about navigating health challenges. Several of our children have complex issues, including chronic pain from migraines; gender identity (dysphoria); neurodevelopmental disabilities; and mental health concerns.

Some people have asked how I’ve handled these issues and helped my children. And my answer is that, while there have been many struggles, I’ve also found many ways to nurture my children’s mental health.

Here are some of the big lessons I’ve learned, regardless of the issues:

Effective listening

The most important tip I share with other parents is to learn to give full attention to the child you’re dealing with – especially when that child is struggling. My family’s parent-child talks are usually private, happening during late hours for one child; in the car with another; or in nature for others.

A quote I keep in mind when listening is: “When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.” – by L.R. Knost, ‘Gentle Parenting’ expert.

Knost’s reminder is something I work to focus on every day, and this perspective has been transformative. Mental health issues may seem overwhelming and sometimes, as parents, our reactions to our children’s struggles create more chaos. Because of practising true empathic listening, however, things are calmer in our house and our children feel better supported.

Empathic listening means a parent commits to hearing without judgment or interruption, except to clarify. We listen instead of reacting, working to hear not only words and emotions but also to see and sense body language. This type of listening involves thinking critically to understand; setting aside your own bias; and endeavouring to create a safe space in which your child feels heard, even when their words are harsh. And empathic listening is a compassionate process of discovery that allows for naming of issues, brainstorming together, and moving forward.

Finding helpers

Another discovery during my family’s health journey has been that helpers can change. Over time, we have benefitted from help provided by medical professionals, educators, people in the community, and more.

One of our children initially saw a social worker to navigate anxiety: but there was a clash of personalities, and my child would ‘shut down’ during appointments, worsening the situation. Ultimately, we found a psychologist who was a better match and helped my child work through their concerns.

Another of our core helpers is a neurologist. Finding the right one, however, took three tries for one child: the first one we consulted did not listen, and the second refused the referral. Only after seeing the third neurologist did my child receive effective migraine treatment, significantly reducing their anxiety.

When parents reach out to me, I remind them it’s okay to get a second opinion – and for their child to find someone they trust, such as a counsellor at school. It’s okay to try a program headed up by a coach whose specialty is to equip your child and you with coping mechanisms, even if it’s not what you would typically think of as ‘mental health care’.

Waiting until a child is ready

Another discovery I’ve made is to respect each child’s timing. One child isn’t at the point of confiding in others yet, and that’s okay – so long as they are safe, both on their own and with others.

Slowing down is also all right – and the mental picture we parents might have, of how things are supposed to go, can change. It’s not the end of the world if a child doesn’t attend school right now, or graduate at the ‘magic’ age of 18 then head off to college. There is time – and alternate ways for children to get to where they will end up. In my family’s case, I try to focus on the extra moments and memories we’re experiencing as we move forward and become healthier, both as individuals and a family.

I also recommend that parents remember to use their own helpers, such as counsellors or online support groups, who help to ‘keep your calm’. When things seem bleak, a change in scene or taking some time to reach out to supporters can refresh you.

Learning to see progress

It also helps if parents perceive the growth amid the struggles – and to celebrate wins, no matter if those wins were once considered small. When we combine small wins, we create bigger ones.

In thinking about my family’s experiences during the past couple of years, there’s a lot to be thankful for. My children are maturing: two are successfully navigating university; secondary school is still a challenge, but we are getting more support; and one can see a future, where they couldn’t before.

Over time my children have learned to listen to and support others – plus practise ways to take care of their own mental health, such as through calming hobbies. And after many challenges I am happy to see my children moving at the pace that works best for them, towards whatever the future holds.