The Traditions We Kept
When my wife passed away, the children were 12,12,14 and 15. The challenge of parenting as a single dad was terrifying. I didn’t have a plan, but I still wanted to be a family, and there was some trial and error in figuring out what that looked like.
We managed to carry on some family traditions that promoted conversation, belonging, and bonding. But there were other traditions that were too painful to continue.
Evenings spent together
Family dinner time was something we had most evenings. Sitting around the table together was one of my favorite times of the day. It was a place where spontaneous conversations happened in a carefree and casual nature, often including laughter. This was a tradition that we carried on after Maureen’s passing. It was a chance for us to bond and figure out our new life. And even on nights when there wasn’t much to say, it was still time spent together.
Direct conversation with kids can be like pulling teeth. Ask your teenager how their day at school went, and you’ll probably get an “OK.” It’s a challenge to find a way to generate spontaneous conversation without pressure. For us, the solution included game night, and we continued this tradition, which was especially helpful during Covid. A couple of nights per week, we’d play cards and just chat. Even if our chatter was about unimportant things, it still helped to build our relationship. And every once in a while – and without pressure – we’d have serious conversation.
These family dinners and game nights helped me build better relationships with my kids, so it was easier to talk when something important came up.
Prioritizing love and support
Another lesson I learned concerns the times when, as a parent, you see your child is in emotional pain, and you wish they’d open up about their troubles.
I’ve found that sometimes it’s more important to be empathetic and supportive, rather than focusing on correcting and fixing. When your child is experiencing difficulty, they need love and support more than anything else.
Over time, I’ve learned to reduce any disappointment and frustration I feel by asking myself: what does my child need the most at this moment? And I find that, by offering love and support first, I can build trust and help promote future communication – the time for correcting, teaching, and fixing situations is when emotions have calmed.
When I make a mistake as a parent – which all parents do, of course – I’ve learned the importance of a sincere apology, forgiving myself, and vowing to get up the next day and strive to become the father I want to be.
Staying connected today
Now that my children are young adults – two are just finishing first year college; another’s away at graduate school; one is living at home – I try to keep our communication strong. Most weeks, this is done with occasional text messages to share a joke, music, or help with a problem.
When we can get together, I treasure our casual conversation: whether it’s during a hike, a day of skiing, or while at a family event. These moments give me a glimpse into my children’s lives, and who they are becoming as young adults.
